As a former child who is now a parent, I have made the following observation: children become what they are told they are. We have to be very careful, because giving a child a label can be very encouraging or very damaging to them. If a child is praised and told they are pretty, smart, and intelligent; they will become prettier, smarter, and even more intelligent. If they are told they are mean, a bully, or falling behind academically, guess what? They become those things, too.
If any human being, regardless of age, is told something enough times, to them it will become true. For example: I have a son in the first grade. On the very first day of the school year his teacher started off by sharing a 'secret' and giving the entire class a label. She told them that she only got the best students in her class. The only kids allowed in her class were the smartest, kindest, and brightest students in the school. I would have loved to see all their faces when they found this out. From that point on, Mrs. C had the smartest, kindest, and brightest kids in the school, and it shows. We are halfway through the school year and a large portion of the class has already exceeded the end of year benchmark for reading. At parent teacher conferences she told my wife and I that she has not had to discipline any of her students, and has not had any of the fighting, teasing, or gossiping among her kids that usually accompanies school age children as they learn how to interact with each other. HOW DOES THAT HAPPEN?
It all happened because she gave them a label, and the kids became what they were told they already were. Positive labels can have fantastic results. Negative labels, however, can have an equally significant effect, but in the opposite direction.
Now consider this example:
(disclaimer: *bullying does happen and is an important issue in our schools and communities*)
There is a first grade girl (at a different school than where my son attends) who comes from a broken home, is not well cared for by either of her parents, and doesn't get the amount of attention that a child needs. It is clear that this may be the root cause of her social issues. She has made friends with the other girls in her class, but not long ago began treating them the same way she gets treated at home, and that's a problem.
There is one girl in particular that is getting the brunt of her unkindness. This girl is very sweet but does not know how to deal with someone who is unkind. The 'mean' girl insults her and makes fun of her frequently. This causes the nice girl to go home in tears often and she now dreads going to school. The nice girl's parents are working with the teacher to figure out how to deal with this 'bully' and restore the nice girl's love for school and learning. Unfortunately, this girl with a rough home life was just labeled a bully. Is giving someone a negative label, then trying to 'peel' it off the appropriate way to deal with this problem?
Can a first grade child who is still learning how to behave in public and how to interact with other children their age legitimately be labeled a 'bully'? In some cases, maybe, but in most cases, absolutely not. Six year old children mimic the behavior shown to them. Just from the behavior shown by this mean girl, a person can make a pretty accurate guess as to what her home life is like.
The solution to this problem with the mean girl is not for her to be given a permanent seat in detention or to be suspended or expelled from first grade. The solution is for the nice girl to continue being nice to the mean girl, and to distance herself from her. If more students in the class would show unconditional kindness to this girl, she would eventually follow the examples of her peers, even if her home life does not improve.
Bullying is a difficult issue. The reason is because there is no clear definition of what is and what is not considered bullying. Most people would agree that saying or doing mean things with the intent to harm someone is bullying. However, there are a lot of gray areas. Is saying something unkind bullying? Is passionately expressing one's opinion for or against something being a bully to those who feel differently? When it comes to these gray areas, bullying is in the eye of those who feel bullied.
As we interact with children, whether they belong to us or someone else, may we all be more aware of our words and our actions so we do not give a child a negative label that may never peel off.
